There comes a day when everyone wants to tell their story. When the weight of it becomes too much for one person to carry. This is my story. I am not a professional blogger and I have never done this before so excuse me if my grammer isn't perfect.
My life has always been a whirl wind, but, who's life is perfect? My childhood was standard. I had the things I needed and the pets I adored. I grew up with a brother who is two and a half years older than me and when i was eight my younger brother was born. We had a family tragidy, the still birth of my little sister when i was six years old was hard for us all and my mother got diagnosed with MS a couple years later. We got through it all. When i was fifteen years old my parents seperated and i stayed with my father and had no further relationship with her. My father dated a few women before settling down with his now wife. That was a strange time for me but i always remained positive and listened to my family without really taking my own emotions into consideration. But none of this is what i want to talk about, i want to talk about when i was seventeen and the devistating news i had that i was unable to conceive.
As we get older, it is natural for us all to experience certain things related to puberty and become curious around boys. At the age of sixteen, i knew something wasn't right with my body after a failed attempt at sexual intercourse. It also prayed on my mind that i still hadn't started my monthlys and other girls around me were complaining of cramps, tampons etc. When i explained to them i hadn't started the theme in replies was "lucky you! Ill swap you?" . It was funny at first, but i knew there was something not right. I decided to go to the doctors about it and as embarrassing as it was, i explained everything. The doctor said it was probably nothing but took some tests and checked my "female bits". Everything came back as normal so they referred me to a gynachologist. The gynachologist done more tests and ultrascans. This took about a year altogether of going back and forth. Eventually, when I was seventeen I had a letter to go back to the gynachologist. Whilst in the waiting room I remember revising for my history exam thinking the news wouldn't be that bad. After a good 45 minute wait my name was called. I went into the room and the doctor looked sympathetic. She went onto explain that my uterus (womb), cervix and other things needed to have a healthy pregnancy did not develop properly but I still prefixed eggs so could have my own biological children threw someone else. They also explained that sexual intercourse would be difficult. I was calm, I replied saying "its cool, never wanted kids anyway" and thanked her for all her hard work. Everything after that is a blur, as soon as i left the hospital i cried. I walked all the way to school like that but can't remember walking there. I went to the library to get my friend and told her everything. The pain is indescribable, i had an "abnormal disfunction" and there was nothing i could do. I could never conceive. I was nervous to tell my Dad. I felt like i was going to disappoint him. I felt angry at myself, i hated myself and i envyed other girls. One minute id cry the next id be smiling. The longest day of my life.
Now, nearly five years down the line I still struggle with the agonizing pain on infertillity. I found out more about my condition through out the years which is called MRKH Syndrome and 1 in 5000 women suffer from it. I've joined support groups and read other womens stories, each as heart breaking as the rest. Its harder now than when I was seventeen. I've been in a relationship for 3 and a half years and have my own flat. I've had to deal with the questions of when me and my partner see having our own kids, if I have kids and seeing other people get so much joy out.of pregnancy and parenthood. People always say "you can always adopt though" and we have looked into it and will in the future but its not as simple as adopting a dog. So even that isn't a possibility but we will try when we are older and wiser. It is hard to share this story, the only reason I am is because I feel that this is a big part of me. This will be a part of me for the rest of my life and I need to be proud of myself for who I am. "abnormalities" and all. For now, I am happy with my fur kids and the potential adoptiong in a few years time.
